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I haven't been looking forward to the ACFW Conference.
I know...I know...to say such a thing is tantamount to declaring chocolate a worthless calorie-saturated addiction.
Even *I* want to slap my mouth when I think such a thought!
That isn't to say I'm not so incredibly grateful for the gift of going again this year or recognize that there are many, many writers who would love to take my place. That's not to say that I'm not incredibly eager to see my friends and make new ones. And this isn't to say that I don't believe God has something waiting for me there. But...this is to say I haven't been as eager as I have been in the last two years.
I leave in four days and I'm not nervously ticking down the dates. I'm not madly memorizing my pitches or picking out my outfits or planning the novel to read on the plane. Am I calm about the trip? For the most part. Am I excited? I really wish I could say I was looking forward to it more than I am.
I'm sitting here typing out this post trying to image not going and what my emotional response would be to that as well and...there really isn't much difference. And for me, that's scary.
Why God, do I have no true enthusiasm like I feel I should?
It produces a nervous ache in the center of my stomach to know I'm going all this way and spending quite a bit of money...not sure there is a reason for me going, but certain there must be one. I don't believe I would be headed to Indianapolis without one.
It's a barbed reminded to sit and think about I will be sitting across from at least one agent and telling them about my story and I don't truly believe the product I have to show them is worth displaying. It's a sharp barb to the flesh to think I might be going all that distance for...nothing.
But then I'm playing God and think I know what He have in store for me. I don't want to seem as though I don't want to go, because I do...can one want both sides of the coin at the same time?
Am I even making any sense?
I'm not sure I even understand if I'm making any sense.
It's like walking with your eyes closed and not sure where the edge of the field is and the barbed wire will meet your bare knees and scrap your exposed arms. So I'm praying. Because it's all I can do right now.
Praying that God will show me what He has waiting for me there. And if He doesn't show me right now, that I won't feel as though the time is wasted. Praying that I go with a heart to serve and love on people and bring a ray of light and joy into their lives. Because to spend any such time is never wasted.
Now to remember that... :-)
What have you done when you're ever not very excited about something you think you should be looking forward to?